Alternate To Not Talking To Strangers
I don’t teach my children to avoid talking to strangers. Shocking, I know. I live in LA and New York City, walk everywhere with my kids, and I love meeting new people so we talk to strangers all the time. Secondly, I think that most of the advice on teaching children to do otherwise is completely useless for keeping children safe while making them anti-social. It’s useless to tell a child to not talk to strangers when you freely and regularly talk to strangers and invite the child into those dialogues. Children will always practice what they see modeled, not what they are told. You can teach a theory that you believe, but you reproduce in your children what you are: if you are a friendly person who loves other people, this is the kind of child you will likely reproduce. Tacking on mini-sermons that are inconsistent with your life and example will not change their propensity to engage strangers. I don’t model to my children the principle of ‘never talk to a stranger’ because I don’t believe in that rule.
The truth is, there is no use in teaching children about talking to strangers because children under 12 don’t have any judgment or discernment; they will always assume that an adult who seems nice is also safe. Always. Children under 8 have little impulse control to not take nice things from people. While it’s highly unlikely that your child is going to be abused by a stranger at the park, it’s even more unlikely that the predator is going to fit any ‘stranger model’ that you construct in your child’s imagination. The person isn’t going to look like a hooded villain from the cartoons; they will probably be nice, and smiling, and come bearing candy or balloons, or a helpful hand. And they will probably introduce themselves within a few seconds of meeting your child. Which makes them not a stranger any more. “Stop telling your kids not to be talking to strangers. They might need to talk to a stranger one day. Instead, teach them which sorts of strangers are safe. You know who’s safe? A mom with kids. Period. Your kid gets separated from you at the mall? Tell her to flag down the first mom with kids she sees.”
Almost any child will go with any adult with or without a bribe because most children are taught that they need to obey all adults everywhere—period. (I don’t teach my children to obey all adults, but 99% of parents do.) The ‘people you know are safe’ and ‘talking to strangers is dangerous’ dichotomy is also completely false. Playing the ‘who is safe game:grandpa is safe, teachers are safe, sports coaches are safe,’ is actually dangerous because it ignores everything we know about who the biggest risks are for child abduction and molestation. “Children are more likely to be harmed by someone they know than by a stranger. Anyone can be a child molester—a neighbor, a relative, a family friend, a youth group leader, a teacher, even another child. The best way to protect your children’s personal safety is know what is happening with them.”
Pattie Fitzgerald leads kid’s safety seminars called “Safely Ever After” which teaches parents and children how to stay safe from child molesters and abusers. Instead of talking about talking to strangers, Fitzgerald opts to teach children about ‘tricky people’. Tricky people are grown-ups who:
- Ask Kids For Help: no adult needs to ask a kid for help to find their child or dog that ran away, or for directions.
- Tells Kids To Keep A Secret From Their Parents. Our family rule is no secrets. Ever.
- Tries To Take The Child Somewhere Else Without Asking. A predator will often encourage the child to not ask a parent before they take the child somewhere like into their house or car. Children should be taught to not go anywhere with any adults at all, unless they can ask permission first.
- Makes The Child Feel Uncomfortable.
“You should also talk to your children about how they should handle dangerous situations such as talking to strangers. One ways is to teach them “No, Go, Yell, Tell.” If in a dangerous situation, kids should say no, run away, yell as loud as they can, and tell a trusted adult what happened right away. Make sure that your children know that it is okay to say no to an adult in a dangerous situation and to yell to keep themselves safe, even if they are indoors.” Check out this website for other tips for keeping kids safe.